A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
When I first gave my life to Christ I felt like I was brought from death to life. I wasn't living on the streets or doing drive by's but sin had definitely taken a toll on my life and I can tell war stories that drop jaws.
I remember the exact date, time and place that I said, "Yes Lord, I will follow you." It was that monumental. My behavior changed, my speech changed, my thinking changed, I was without a doubt a different person.
I was constantly praying, I was strugglintg through the Bible, witnessing was a natural response, almost like breathing. I was compelled to search for Christ. I began preaching months after I got saved, I went to Bible College less than a year after, my whole life was swept into a whole new realm. Life became different, it was new, it was clear, it was what it was menat to be, I was sure of it.
So here I am, 16 years later, and things are different. Things aren't as clear.
I still love Jesus. I love my wife and kids more than anything. I have a job that has meaning. I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and yet in all this I am still found wanting. It's as if there is something missing and I can't figure it out.
I can figure out that I don't pray like I used to and I don't witness like I breath, but it's the fact that the motivation is gone, the desire to BE isn't there and I don't know what happened. I find myself in quiet pleading to Jesus to return it, to put it back, and yet it seems like it's me against the world, almost a losing battle.
I wish I could blame someone - the lethargic Church, the liberal media, the ignorance of people, and unsurprisingly all fingers are pointing back at me. I did it, I screwed up, I pushed back from Christ. I haven't lost my salvation, I am not engrossed in sin, I am not giving up, but I have come to a place in my life where it's put up or shut up.
I am not looking for an answer from anyone. I am not looking for someone to relate to my situation. I am not even trying to encourage you with my story. I am only writing this because of something my wife wrote about me. We got a boxer, a dog, and she said that it was a gift from God to me. Maybe not that big a deal to you and the dog not that significant, but the fact that God knows my sinful, rebellious estate and still manages to let me know he loves me and doesn't want to kill me gives me hope.
He personally pursues me, even when I have failed to do the same. While I expect the worst, he does something that makes me look deep into who he is so that I will not give up on this pursuit of holiness. Holiness becomes desirable again and the things of this world matter less and strangely I remember that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
I remember the exact date, time and place that I said, "Yes Lord, I will follow you." It was that monumental. My behavior changed, my speech changed, my thinking changed, I was without a doubt a different person.
I was constantly praying, I was strugglintg through the Bible, witnessing was a natural response, almost like breathing. I was compelled to search for Christ. I began preaching months after I got saved, I went to Bible College less than a year after, my whole life was swept into a whole new realm. Life became different, it was new, it was clear, it was what it was menat to be, I was sure of it.
So here I am, 16 years later, and things are different. Things aren't as clear.
I still love Jesus. I love my wife and kids more than anything. I have a job that has meaning. I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and yet in all this I am still found wanting. It's as if there is something missing and I can't figure it out.
I can figure out that I don't pray like I used to and I don't witness like I breath, but it's the fact that the motivation is gone, the desire to BE isn't there and I don't know what happened. I find myself in quiet pleading to Jesus to return it, to put it back, and yet it seems like it's me against the world, almost a losing battle.
I wish I could blame someone - the lethargic Church, the liberal media, the ignorance of people, and unsurprisingly all fingers are pointing back at me. I did it, I screwed up, I pushed back from Christ. I haven't lost my salvation, I am not engrossed in sin, I am not giving up, but I have come to a place in my life where it's put up or shut up.
I am not looking for an answer from anyone. I am not looking for someone to relate to my situation. I am not even trying to encourage you with my story. I am only writing this because of something my wife wrote about me. We got a boxer, a dog, and she said that it was a gift from God to me. Maybe not that big a deal to you and the dog not that significant, but the fact that God knows my sinful, rebellious estate and still manages to let me know he loves me and doesn't want to kill me gives me hope.
He personally pursues me, even when I have failed to do the same. While I expect the worst, he does something that makes me look deep into who he is so that I will not give up on this pursuit of holiness. Holiness becomes desirable again and the things of this world matter less and strangely I remember that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
posted by big african at 12:06 PM
1 Comments:
It seems strange to me how things can get fuzzy when it should be so simple. And the things I want to do I don't do; but the things I don't want to do I keep doing. The war rages inside me and sometimes I don't want to fight. But when I do, man it's worth it.
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